It was 8:10 am on Thursday morning, and I was literally on my way out the door taking the kids to school, when I got a text from my beloved editor, letting me know that our first choice publisher had declined on taking on my debut book, “Holy Messy Love.”
I stopped in my tracks, taking in this discouraging news, while my kids stood nearby, saying, “What is it, Mama? Who texted you?” My initial reaction was to burst into tears, feeling the letdown, the vulnerable crumbling of specific expectations. Through my tears I could see and feel my children’s deeply empathic concern. They both sighed sadly, “Oh, Mama…” aligned in my disappointment.
More than anyone else perhaps, my kids have watched me pour my heart and soul into the writing and editing of this book, and have been fully aware of the high hopes I’d held of being possibly embraced with gracious ease by this publisher.
Our four minute car ride to school was uncharacteristically quiet. My sadness was real and present, moving through me with breath and tears. At one point I glanced at Ezra (10) in my rear view mirror, and could tell by his expression that he was feeling worried for me. Arayla (13) sat beside me, immersed in her own internal churning. Before I dropped them off, I managed to wipe the tears from my face, clear my throat, and say: “My loves, don’t worry. It just wasn’t meant to be, I guess… It’s OK… Something else will reveal itself…. I love you! Have a beautiful day at school.” They got out of the car gently, tossing me tender, loving glances.
After I got home I let myself fully feel all that I needed to feel. Disappointment exposed a sense of immense defeat which then revealed layers of self-doubt, and I wept, letting my heart totally break about it. This went on for about 20 minutes.
Then I stopped. In the space that had been cleared by feeling these feelings, I opened my eyes and my mind wider to what IS, and I could feel my heart beckoning a deeper trust and surrender.
Suddenly there was an interesting sense of relief that came with this first publishers “decline”; an authentic feeling of—well of course they needed to say “No.” I recalled Elizabeth Gilbert writing in “Big Magic” about how many rejections she received on her way to becoming an internationally celebrated author. How perhaps it’s just an unavoidable part of this vulnerable initiation of putting our work out there.
I could feel it then, the sacred necessity of this “No”, working me in a uniquely beautiful way. I could feel how it was honing my right relationship with writing; fanning the fire of my humility; strengthening my resolve to write regardless of anyone ever seeing it or wanting it or liking it or buying it.
I splashed cold water on my face, burned some sweetgrass and cedar, and set to work on Plan B—sending off my book proposal to specific literary agents who specialize in presenting “prescriptive non-fiction” to larger publishers. This first publisher who had declined was a relatively small, spiritual, niche publisher. I breathed in deeply, considering: Perhaps “Holy Messy Love” actually craves a wider wingspan with which to soar into the world?
It was 10:20 when I heard my phone ding with a new text. This one was from my daughter.
The text read: “You are brave, strong and an amazing mama. There is a publisher out there who will love your book and want to publish it. Your book is a special gift from your heart to our world and nothing can get in the way of that. Trust. Believe in yourself like I believe in you. If this wasn’t the right one, there must be an even better one coming. I love you. Xo Arayla”
For the second time that morning, tears flooded my eyes after receiving a text. But this time my tears were made of astonished joy and pride. I reveled in the beauty of my 13 year old girl choosing to (illegally ;-)) text her mama from school with words of generous encouragement, loving praise, and grounded faith! What immensely good news this text was for my heart, and for our world. What a WIN!
I bowed again, as I bow again now towards the wild, mysterious, uncontrollable design of it all.
Who knows how it’s all meant to unfold? I surely don’t. But however it unfolds, one thing is for certain: LOVE WINS—in all its humbling, holy, and messy glory—again and again and again.
More Blog Posts
Help Me to Stay in the Wonder
My little boy only wants Sanskrit mantras sung to him as he falls asleep. “Please Mama, sing me the Sanskrit ones?” he says, as he scoots back his 7 year old body into my spooning embrace, finding his trustworthy bridge into dream.
My little budding woman-child wants to talk and talk and talk, […]
Letting Love Have Its Way With Our Deepest Fears
A couple of nights ago I woke in the middle of the night from a terrifying dream, with my heart pounding, my mouth still mouthing the emotional words I had been saying in my dream, stress hormones coursing through my body.
In the dream I had just been diagnosed with Cancer, and I was surrounded by doctors as they explained to me where it was in my body, and what they planned to do to try and remove it.
In the dream I felt overcome with dread, panic, confusion and horror. Right […]
The Last Cut-Down Christmas Tree
I’ll always remember the day my son Ezra Star renounced our well-loved tradition of cutting down a tree for Christmas time.It was last year, early December, Arayla was 9 at the time, and Ezra was newly 6. We arrived at our favorite, old-fashioned Christmas Tree Farm in Sebastopol, where you can go and wander around peacefully, weaving through all the trees, until you find and choose your perfect, special tree, and then watch them cut it down, carry it off, and wrap it up in rustic twine while you stand to the side, sipping freshly made hot […]
Too Much, Not Enough, & This Love That Bears It All
’ve been in a very deep inner dialogue with Life recently, soul-searching and heart-stretching, and while it’s difficult and vulnerable to put into words for you all, I’m still compelled to try.
Not long ago I noticed that I was walking around with what felt like a subtle wall in my own heart, like a self-imposed boundary or barricade against Life. I noticed this wall not only appearing in my relationships, but in a deeper and more general way, in my very relationship with Life itself.
An earnest curiosity arose within me as to what this subtle wall, this ever-present barricade was made of. So I carved out a night of prayer for myself, in which I could dive deliberately […]
Gods, Goddesses, & Starbeams of Love
Recently Arayla (10.5) and I went through her entire bedroom for the first time in years, clearing out clothes and de-cluttering toys and books that were no longer relevant for her rapidly transforming being. It was quite a task, and took over a week to complete. The final product was a truly different room~ clean, simple, mature, and current.
So it didn’t totally take me by surprise when Ezra (almost 7) announced to me several days ago: “Mom? You know my bedroom? It’s just not really feeling like ME these days.” Respectfully humored, I asked him: “Really? What do you think needs to change so it can feel more like YOU?”
Fully expecting him to come back with some pressing desire for new bedding, or a Star Wars poster, or something pertaining to skateboarding or martial arts, I was completely taken aback when he responded with utter certainty and serious […]
Terrible Beauty
This morning, driving the children to school, the skies were gorgeously astounding to behold. Something about the way the clouds were patterned and scattered in patches; allowing the sun to shine and flow through in distinct rays; the pink and lavender hue… it took my breath away. I gushed to the kids: “Oh my god! Look at this beauty this morning! Look at those amazing pink rays, and how those unusual clouds are letting the light through… wow, it’s just spectacular.”
Ezra (6.5) in the back, looked eagerly out his window, and sighed sweetly “Ahhhhh” in vocal agreement. But Arayla, (10.5) sitting next to me in the front, checked out what I was so delighted by, and then said, soberly: “Unfortunately, […]
Giving Everything To Our Truest Desire
Recently I’ve been contemplating how and why it is that with all our spiritual maturity, self-awareness and earnest desire for true freedom, we might continue to betray ourselves for love, for money, for pleasure, for security, for image, for sex, for comfort, for success or for power?
Or why it is, if what we truly want is peace, we continue in an infatuation with drama, an attachment to there being something wrong, or a problem to fixate on? Or how it is we somehow remain subconsciously attached to being a victim of our circumstances; thus remaining powerless in our lives?
Is there any way you continually betray yourself?
Can you relate to this? Does it resonate?
And I’ve also […]
When Death Comes In Close
Death is always with us; an inescapable promise that goes hand-in-hand with life. And yet there are times when the undeniable presence of death comes in closer than usual, making its reality acutely known and felt.
Whether it’s a death from heart-wrenching suicide, or after a long-battled physical illness, or due to a tragic accident, or as a sudden, unexpected surprise—there is nothing like Death Medicine to bring us intimately close to the mysterious, precarious edge of our aliveness.
The Deepest Calling In Relationship
elationship, in all its many forms, is sacred, exquisite, essential, mysterious~ and oftentimes messy, troubled, loaded and charged.
Whether we are married or single, wishing to be free of a partnership that has run its course, or actively calling a partnership in; whether we are delightfully dating, waiting for love, or exhausted by the search; whether we are monogamous or polyamorous, happily or unhappily sexually active, desperately wishing for sex, simply and honestly disinterested in sex, or deliberately celibate; whether our parents are still alive or have passed, […]
Lessons of Tantrums, Wise Sibling Instincts, & the Healing Power of Empathy
My son Ezra Star woke up sweetly today, pouncing on top of me in bed with all his 65 pounds of naked, sun-kissed, 6 year old love, panting loudly with morning breath into my still half-asleep ear: “Good morning my beautiful Mama Mama Mama!!!” I pulled him close, all of his squirmy, golden deliciousness, and inhaled adoringly his warmth and beauty. But within about 5 minutes, suddenly intensely triggered by remembering some of the routine plans in the field, seized by fierce resistance, aversion, and his own fiery temper, the emotional weather of my little love dramatically changed into a full-on, somewhat uncharacteristic, tantrumming storm.
He was inconsolable. I tried everything– all my loving-mama skills and therapeutic conscious communication skills. I tried listening, affirming his feelings and reflecting […]
Facebook Comments